You knew my name

FB_IMG_1542382191238You spoke my name today. I was surprised I thought you didn’t know me by name. My heart nearly broke out with excitement. How did you know my name? Did my dream just come true? Well, I’d rather live in the state of euphoria you put me in because the reality of my life without you is a nightmare. I do not mean to sound obsessed but I think I’m well past that stage now. It’s becoming an addiction. Can’t eat can’t think straight kind of addiction. And weirdly ‘you are my drug’ cliché might just be true. Was it my hand you shook? Honestly, I can’t remember whether we hugged or just shook hands. I thought it was impossible to get lost deep in love, nay lust that it shook you to your being. This is a strange thing to me. You’re doing things to my head. When I first saw you I fell in love. Well, not love love, but you smelled nice. Your friend Ann told me about your infamous boyfriend. I’m sorry he broke your heart. No one should do that to you. Not anyone. I’d break his jaw for you if you want someone for the job. I want you so bad I will literally do anything for you. Show me who to kill for you.
Ann and I had a thing going on back then before I knew she was your friend. She used to whine about a friend she was jealous of. She had the face of a princess and oh sweet curves at the right places. It wasn’t until today when I realized the friend was you. She was right- damn girl you’d make the Great Aphrodite herself go green. I noticed your milk white teeth. Your full chubby lips. I wonder what they taste like. Bet the same as your Gucci Guilty designer perfume. My name. My mind stopped when you called out my name. Sorry for the awkward face I made, I know it was gross. My eyes were fixed on your heart but your full breasts fell on my line of sight. It took me a full minute before I realized I was groping with my eyes. I thought it was a faint smile I saw register on your face. ‘GiB’. You spoke with a pause. It hit me before the scent of your perfume did. I apologize for the grunts I made thinking I was saying something nice. I think I said hi, nice to meet you, name’s GiB. I’m sure it wasn’t in that order. In my defense, you glowed like a goddess. Who wouldn’t stutter?
I apologize for my clumsy palms. I sweat a lot when I am nervous. I was nervous. Nervous is a kind word, I was scared the hell out of my wits. I felt so helpless inside. It was kind to see you smile back at me. I would walk the streets naked just to see you smile at me again. I’d give my left nut to hug you just one more time. I do not understand the things you do to my body but I wouldn’t wish for anything else in the world. I’m not an overly religious guy but I think I might pray tonight. I’ll wish on a star for you because all of a sudden you are my dream. So tomorrow if you wake up in a dark room full of red, don’t be scared. Because you’re in my heart.
Yours truly.

The Night I First Knew I Loved You.

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The night I first knew I loved you was the kind of a fairytale bullshit that most people, including me would make fun of.

We were the stuff of Hollywood romances with cliché dialogues and a loud blasting music, Future playing from the stereo. Right there in the middle of nowhere, you asked me to dance.

And see the thing is, I had always been a hopeless romantic. As a kid, I would position myself outside in the backyard beneath the cobalt skies and stand atop overturned wood, singing songs about my heart, my blues, and my desire to love. And love, and love, and love, until my sister would finally come out and tell me it was time to come back inside.

I was always too busy shouting at the man in the moon. I wanted It Takes Two, I wanted Everything, Everything. The can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff.

But I never knew what I really wanted was you.

My adolescent heart crusted over for a minute. I was starting to get sick of feeling like I wanted love to kiss me in the face, but it never turned out quite like I thought. The mouths I met came equipped with a funny after taste. It wasn’t anything like I’d hoped. Until you.

And sure, you might not have been my first time. But Baby you were my first time. Alone on that empty street was the first time I opened up to someone completely. The first time I ever loved so fully. I came home in tears because it was the scariest thing I had ever felt. I told my sister, ’I’m in love with her’, and cried the more. Because love is terrifying. Love had me up all night thinking about the way you looked at me as I walked into your arms, and how I wanted to auction off all memories before knowing you just have us play on repeat.

I said take all my fuck-ups because I know you won’t judge me for them. Take my irrationality, my crying whenever I hurt you because I hated to make you feel bad, because I know you love me for it all.

You gave me a spot inside your ribcage so I could always know how it felt to finally be that close to another human being.

Maybe I’m still waiting there. Maybe that’s why it still hurts when you breathe out my name.

Tonight, I listened to Livin’ On a Prayer and finally understood what Bon Jovi meant.

Tonight, I gathered up all the pieces of our love that I still have plastered about my room put them back in our box, but left it out. I couldn’t bear to have it out of sight.

Today I saw Gal Gadot on the TV and cried.

You are my Wonder Woman. You are my glass of wine that I’m sipping from because they say we would only get better with time, with age. So I’m ducking into the club to give it a try.

Today I wore your checkered t-shirt that I sleep in most nights and couldn’t remember the night you gave them to me.

Tonight, I said, ‘I’ll be okay.’

And I almost believed it.

Darling, I almost believed it.

….no, it’s not about me…

The Painted Heart

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The further I walked moving away from the candles around the pool and the buttery light spilling from the villa, the darker it became, only flecks of starlight peppered the tarry sheet of sky above me. The high rasp of frogs in the trees replaced the chirp of crickets and the air began to lose its floral scent. Still, I carried on walking, the damp grass tickling my bare feet, drawn by a faint light in the distance. As I approached the light, I saw it was coming from the little wooden house I had explored with my cousin earlier in the week. I had wondered then what might be inside it, but it had been locked tight. I was not easily scared but for a moment my steps slowed as I wondered whether to turn back to the villa, now so far behind me that it was nothing more than a black shape in the distance. Suddenly I caught sight of a dim outline of a figure through the dusty glass of the building. Curious, I edged closer, freezing when I heard a low moan from inside. I was now just below the shed’s dirty window. Holding my breath, I slowly raised my head and peered inside. The glass was so filthy it was like looking through smoke. At first, I was unable to make out what or who was inside. But as I pushed my face closer I let out a gasp- at first in puzzlement and disbelief and then in horror, as I realized what was happening in front of me. Stumbling back, I fell and scraped my arm on a rock. I looked up at the window, then back to the villa. I knew I should leave- run back to my bed as fast as I could- but as if pulled by a force I could not control I looked through the window again, hoping against hope that what I had seen was just my imagination. But no: the vile image was still there. Shaking my head to rid it from my mind, tears streaming down my face, I turned and ran back to the villa, not yet aware what I had just seen would change my life forever.

Self-Kindness

 

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Why do we find it so hard to be kind to ourselves?

What is it we are afraid of?

We deprive ourselves when we make self-kindness the last thing on our agenda. And we deprive the ones we love of the best we have to offer them. Because how we love ourselves is how we love others.

 

What is self-kindness?

Self-kindness is looking in the mirror and finding something we like today rather than hacking ourselves apart.

Self-kindness is taking a break instead of pushing through stress, anxiety and overtime at the office.

Self kindness is allowing ourselves to feel what we feel.

Self-kindness is believing we are worthy of the best life has to offer us and then moving one step closer to it.

Through my childhood, I struggled immensely with self-kindness. Somewhere along the way I had bought into the lie, or many lies, that I wasn’t smart, talented, or really worth much at all.

Many of us buy into that lie. It doesn’t take much—bitter words on the playground, the teacher who puts us down instead of building us up, the parent who downloads their own negative beliefs. Whatever it is, we always find the bad stuff easier to believe.

Make time for self-kindness

Self-kindness isn’t (necessarily) about taking an afternoon trip to the spa. Self-kindness is as much about attitude as it is about time.

You may be a mom with a full-time job who doesn’t have a minute to herself in the day. But being kind when you look in the mirror will change the way you feel. Allowing yourself that chocolate cupcake at the end of the day without beating yourself up will change the way you feel.

We often take care of everyone else’s needs before our own, believing that to take care of ourselves is self-indulgent. But taking a moment to ask yourself, “What do I need today?” isn’t self-indulgent. It’s the first step towards abundant living.

Believe you are worthy

The biggest barrier we have to self-kindness is believing we are worthy of goodness in our lives. We pay more attention to reality shows on T.V. than we do to our own needs, because considering our true desires means facing everything that is wrong with our lives.

It’s so much easier to endure a stressful imbalanced life that offers the comfort of knowing what’s next, than it is to walk through uncertainty and challenges to reach a place where we are living as our authentic selves.

But on the other side of facing the discomfort is a bridge to self-kindness and change.

Respect yourself enough to take as much care of your own needs as you do your children’s. A child needs parents who are kind to themselves—(s)he will look to your lead in how to treat others, how you treat yourself and how you value your time.

Treat yourself as you would treat others

If a friend confided in you that she was having a tough time with a relationship would you tell her to get over herself?

Would you use critical, judgmental words?

Or would you try to empathize and encourage?

Hopefully you would do the latter, because you care about her. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend.

Have a wonderful week full of self-kindness, won’t you?

When you left

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When you left, I was broken and lost. I did not understand when they said you were not coming back. I did not know what they meant. They said you were in a better place now and I told them to send me with you but they wouldn’t. It was going to be a long journey, they said, and I was too young to go with you. I was ready but you didn’t wait. I was very mad at you, how could you?

Then they took me away to some place I had never been before. I heard them say that it would be better there but it didn’t feel any better. I still wanted you to come back. Everyday I would call your name and expect to see you. My sister said I was stupid and it didn’t work like that. But I wasn’t to give up that easily. It wasn’t easy without you.

It’s been long now. Now I perfectly understand how it works. I know I was being stupid. I’m old and turning 21 now. I write to you everyday. By the way, do you like poems? I always write poems about you. I’ll keep them till the day we will meet. I know you will love them.  I love them too!

Years after you left, I always found myself in trouble trying to understand life. I made a terrible mess and learned several lessons. Sometimes I wished you were here to see me through the mistakes I made. But don’t worry, I know that’s too much for you and it’s impossible to come back. I met someone who said will always be with me. He told me to bring all my troubles to Him to carry them for me. I did that and  He carried them for me as He had promised. I hope that you are with Him because He promised to take me to His home someday. You probably know Him, His name is Jesus. I always send Him greetings for you.

I also met a girl who stole my heart. I fell in love with her because she’s smart, intelligent and attractive. She is all that I need in my life and I tell her everyday. I’m sure you would like her too. I intend to keep her for life. She understands me and is always there for me so I don’t want to lose her. I hope that one day I’ll have a daughter and I’ll name her after you. Wouldn’t you like that?

Now I got to go. I have a lot to write you but I have some business to attend to. See you next time.

 

 

Listen

Listen

Just sit down and listen. Listen to what you hear. It costs nothing but a portion of your time to listen. Whether it is to yourself, your friend or anyone else, it means a lot to listen.

We live in a world so busy that we lack time for our own selves. We are so preoccupied that we fail to listen when we should. We have basically reduced to machines that work day in day out without having time to nurture our feelings and emotions. A lot of things happen each passing day and we lack time to process them at the instance because we are so preoccupied with our duties and responsibilities. At the end of the day, we are so tired that we ignore whatever happened the entire day. It becomes a regular habit and soon we feel so depressed and tired.

Humans have emotions and feelings, unlike the machines which work continuously and need no time to process what goes on within them. We need listen to the subtle signs that our bodies send us. Most of the times we ignore these signs and the system keeps piling them up to the point it can’t anymore. At the end it eats us up.

Take time to listen to yourself. What is it that is bothering you? Deal with it now. Do not procrastinate, tomorrow will not be a better day to deal with what affects you today. Pay attention to those around you. Let them talk. Speak less and listen more. There is a common African proverb that says that God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we can listen more than we speak.

Sometimes you need to just listen and not focus on fixing the problems. It means a lot to someone when you listen to them. Just be there for them, and let then take you through their problem. Don’t necessarily focus on solving their problem.

Do not just hear but listen!

It’s okay to be different!

It’s okay to be different!

 

__Fabo__s_Parrot___by_WitcherIt’s okay to be different. Have you ever wondered why you are so different from the rest? Have you ever felt so out of this world and that no one would ever understand you however much you want them to? Well, worry no more because common sense dictates that it’s okay to be different from the rest.

Our lives are scripts rolled out by the most high. And just like all scripts, the chapters and scenes are different. Think of life as a big huge book. Collectively, we are all different books. Often, we hear advice along the line of not comparing our lives to other people’s. Well, that’s not only true but factual. You cannot keep comparing the chapter you are right now in your book to another one who just completed his. It never works like that.

It’s okay to struggle. Show me a successful person and I will show you the scars from his struggles. You can never achieve anything for free. Free things are not valuable and valuable things are not free. It works like that.

So, you know, maybe this was the message you needed to hear today. Never let your struggles blind you from your goals! Never compare yourself to someone else. You are a unique copy of you.

<I’m making changes to my articles. I will be writing a few paragraphs for you to read to the end. Stick around for more! Thanks for visiting my site!>

Sometimes we need a break

Sometimes we just need to step back out of our normal routine and stop to catch a breath. We live in a funny world where everything has been narrowed down to competition; everything we do has to have been done by someone for us to compare ourselves. In writing this, I have been a victim of the circumstance. I know I have done things that I have seen people do without asking myself if that is what I wanted to do.

What do I want? I want to succeed, share, communicate, contribute and inspire. I want to be open and courageous enough to give voice to what I want to be accepted and appreciated. I want to love and be loved. I want to be free from fear.

This attitude of not hiding or shying away from life is what I call ‘warriorship’. For me, warriorship is also about my battle with my fears and insecurities. Remembering that we will be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because everything- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. Steve Jobs said this.

We all live in constant fear that what we do will not be approved by our friends, parents or the society. We have let their expectations of us shape our way of thinking. This has never been nor will ever be a good thing. For the last couple of weeks, I have learnt a lot in this life. I have learnt that the only decisions that will change the way you act are your decisions. In as much as everyone expects me to behave or talk or walk or dress in a certain way, the only person who can make that happen is me. I have also learnt that most of the people around us want us to live a life similar to theirs, if they are kind enough, or below theirs for their comfort to be within the levels they withstand. People will always want to be above you, some people will go to the extent of making sure that you remain below their standards. You have to define your own standards and live to it. You cannot let anyone’s slightest comments ruin you.

It is perfectly normal for humans to want to be superior to another, no one wants to be seen lacking. We have conformed to the notion of trying to fit even where we do not belong. I was going through my meme gallery (my daily dose of bliss) a while ago and this one simple meme caught my attention. I spent the entire meme session thinking about the picture that spoke a thousand words to me. It was a slice of an onion sandwiched between orange slices. However much alike and fitting the onion seemed to be with the orange, it wasn’t where it was supposed to be; its rightful place. In fact, that is what most of us do not realize. I admit that I had never given a thought about where I belong in this life. I have always let situations and circumstances shape what I want to be and how I want to act.

Sometimes, all you need to do is step back and observe the path our life has taken. Is that where you want to go? Is that really what you want to do? Is that what your heart wants you to do? You need to ask yourself questions of this kind if you really want to live a fruitful life. We cannot all be apples; some of us are oranges, some of us are mangoes. Of course not literally. We cannot all be of the same kind. There is a lot more to life than we tend to live. Why die pretending to be a lemon while your stem is a plum? Why kill yourself so quick when all you can do is be you. That is all that takes. No less, no more. And the only permission you need to have is from you. Why deny yourself the pleasure of living your life at the expense of the friends. Why try to fit where you do not belong? This doesn’t mean you should not associate with anyone different from us. Our lives cannot be complete without friends or people close to us, that is why we have spaces between our fingers; so as to fit onto another’s and perfectly complement one another.

This life will always amaze me, I learn everything new each day.

 

 

Duck-a-chum chuck-a-chum

 

 

It’s dark; I begin to notice the shadows forming from the faint light in the room. Dark shaky silhouettes spread across wall to wall. My throat feels dry but I force a long dry painful lump down my stomach. I’m aware I have never been here before. I don’t know what this place is but sure as hell I know it can never be a good place. It reeks; a sharp acrid smell of old rusted metal fills the room. From a distance I can hear strange voices, nay whispers.  More like moans. No, not those but the kind you hear in a horror film. Deep guttural cries, wild shrieks, a mixture of whispers.

I bet this woman is from this place, she doesn’t seem bothered by the voices. Could I be the only one hearing these voices? Is it just my imaginations? Well, there is only one way to know.

“Can you hear that?” I asked her but clearly she isn’t so friendly like I thought.

“Can you just shut up for a minute?” she hisses in a calm friendly voice. It reminds me of my older sister Joy. She always does that when she feels like she has to. But there is something different with this woman. Where the h— are your arms? Holy Jeeezus! My head feels heavy on my shoulders, I feel drowsy. The long ugly projections from where her arms are supposed to be jerk out and keep me upright just S I am about to pass out. A sharp screeching pain pierces the back of my head to my temples.

My inhaler! I need it now more than before. I feel choked, my throat very dry as I sigh heavy dry lumps. I have just enough time to notice other silhouettes appear one after another in one frantic gyration. I have never been here before but I can bet on my life that it is one big hell of a celebration. One grizzly creature emerges from the center of the now formed circle. It must be their leader or something more judging from the way the shrieks stops by her wave of its twig-like arms. The gyrating subdues and a loud silence ensues. It marches forward to where we stood and spreads out its arms.

Aliens? I can’t suppress the building fiery desire to laugh at the thought. God what is wrong with me? It reminds me of the jokes that Joy and I had about the aliens? What if the UFO that killed all the dinosaurs was true and we are the aliens? These creatures looked different. Ghosts? No they can’t be. I struggle to focus but my thought won’t let me. The leader creature turns to the lady that brought me here and in a slow movement does something close to a node and dismisses it away. It comes closer to me and pulls me closer. This creature reeks. The smell makes me nauseated. I can’t keep things going. The ground begins to shift, my vision gets blurred and my head pounds. I slump into my feet and hope this makes these creatures go away.

 

Inferiority Complex

 

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Have you heard of the new disease in town? The one that eats you up more than the deadliest virus? The one we bring ourselves to contract? Have you? There is this degrading illness of the mind that gouges itself in our minds, hearts and finally our whole system. It infects the way we think, the way we see things and the way we relate to others and to ourselves. It sparks from just a thought. If not taken care of during its early stages, it cultures and spreads. And it spreads really fast. Most people refer to it as a complex disease of the mind. And is it not complex?

Most of us compare ourselves to others. Mass media beams in the finest looking, richest, and most talented people into our lives 24/7. This creates the illusion that we ‘know’ all these beautiful, clever, younger, athletic, rich, able people. Because we compare ourselves to people we know, this illusion of knowing air-brushed ‘have-it-alls’ can make us feel correspondingly worse about ourselves.

Confidently knowing that Usain Bolt can run faster than you can is not the same as feeling inferior. True inferiority complex has us feeling:

  • We should be as good as others.
  • We are not as good as others, but we don’t really know why that is; a generalized feeling of inadequacy not based on rational judgments.

In a world in which we are on the one hand encouraged to buy stuff because we’re “worth it” whilst simultaneously being force-fed airbrushed perfection, it’s easy for someone with a pre-existing inferiority complex to feel worse.

It might be you were repeatedly told you weren’t good enough by a parent (one kid I know was repeatedly told by her mother she was the “ugliest girl in the street” and no one liked her). Some people were constantly compared to other people: “Why can’t you be more like your sister!” Other people feel inferior because they are perfectionists and feel that anything less than perfection is inadequate.

Whatever the reasons for inferiority complex, here are a few ideas to help.

1) Be specific

As I said, we can know we’re inferior in some ways. If you find yourself feeling inferior, ask yourself: “Okay, exactly who do I feel inferior to?” Narrow it down.

Emotional thinking is always sloppy, so tighten it up to make it less emotional. There are close to seven billion people on this planet (last time I counted). What kind of person do you feel inferior to? Rich people? Good looking people? Very academic people? People you view as accomplished? Most people aren’t these things.

Now get even more specific; name names to yourself. “Actually, I feel inferior to Ken down the street.” Why? How, specifically, is Ken better than you?

So from ‘feeling inferior’ we’ve gone to ‘feeling inferior to specific types’ to ‘feeling inferior to Ken down the street’. Now ask yourself in what ways Ken isn’t superior to you. Does he have your humility? Wit? Life experience? If we are too narrow with what constitutes ‘good’ or ‘successful’, then we’re more likely to come off feeling worse. Believe me, ‘Ken’ has issues of his own.

2) What would make you feel as good as others?

If you feel inferior, imagine for a moment how you’d need to be to not feel inferior. What would you need to look like, to own, and to be doing? Now reflect: Would all of that really be you?

 

3) Dare to be different

Life is much less restrictive now in westernized counties. In the ’50s, you were expected to be married (perhaps in your early twenties); to have kids and a ‘respectable career’ (grave robbers need not apply); to have short hair or longer hair, depending on gender; to dress ‘properly’ and have all the right opinions. We haven’t cast aside all these norms and I’m not suggesting they are all bad, but people are much freer now to live a bit differently.

No one is a ‘failure’ if they are unmarried at forty (or eighty), or if they don’t have kids or a traditionally professional career. Not in terms of current societal norms; though your parents may still have these retrospective expectations which may have influenced you. But the kind of thinking that prompts: “Oh no! I’m forty-five now. I should have a mortgage, a partner, 2.4 children! I should be like how other people are!” is a trap. If you really want these things, that’s one thing; but if you only feel they are expected of you, then remember that your life can only really be lived by you.

 

4) Drop the mime

No one has written on his tombstone: “Here lies Ralph; he was quite like Ken.” All Ralph can be is Ralph (or the best possible version of himself); he ain’t ever gonna be Ken. Wanting to be someone else is okay(ish) when you’re fifteen. But how can an impersonator ever be true to themselves? Being inspired by someone else means assimilating some of their traits into who you are. It doesn’t mean trying to have their exact same life.

Inferiority complexes thrive on people wanting to be someone they’re not. This doesn’t mean we have to limit ourselves as to what we can do, but it does mean that we can get by much better when we don’t try to be someone else.

 

 

5) Beware utopian thinking

People who feel inferior tend to think in ‘all or nothing’ ways (any emotion will drive us to do this). ‘Utopianism’ is a type of this simplified emotional thinking. It’s a kind of ‘if only’ thought.

  • “If only my nose was straighter…then I’d be confident and happy!”
  • “If only I earned ten thousand more a year…then my life would be good!”
  • “If only I could be exactly the same as Bob…then I’d feel great about my/himself!”

Life doesn’t work like that. Because much of what we feel inferior about is relatively superficial; the non-superficial part of us will always feel left wanting by external band-aid remedies. Sure, you might have more confidence with a straighter nose for a while, but you are much more likely to forget about comparing yourself to others (either favourably or unfavourably) when you live your life in a sustainable way that utilizes your real core character strengths, values, and personal ideas.

As the explorer and translator Sir Richard Burton wrote:

Do what thy manhood bids thee do, from none but self-expect applause;
He noblest lives and noblest dies who makes and keeps his self-made laws

(The views presented above are those of the writer and are commonly shared by others of similar thinking. If it helps,, fine. If it doesn’t, then seek for medical advice)