You knew my name

FB_IMG_1542382191238You spoke my name today. I was surprised I thought you didn’t know me by name. My heart nearly broke out with excitement. How did you know my name? Did my dream just come true? Well, I’d rather live in the state of euphoria you put me in because the reality of my life without you is a nightmare. I do not mean to sound obsessed but I think I’m well past that stage now. It’s becoming an addiction. Can’t eat can’t think straight kind of addiction. And weirdly ‘you are my drug’ cliché might just be true. Was it my hand you shook? Honestly, I can’t remember whether we hugged or just shook hands. I thought it was impossible to get lost deep in love, nay lust that it shook you to your being. This is a strange thing to me. You’re doing things to my head. When I first saw you I fell in love. Well, not love love, but you smelled nice. Your friend Ann told me about your infamous boyfriend. I’m sorry he broke your heart. No one should do that to you. Not anyone. I’d break his jaw for you if you want someone for the job. I want you so bad I will literally do anything for you. Show me who to kill for you.
Ann and I had a thing going on back then before I knew she was your friend. She used to whine about a friend she was jealous of. She had the face of a princess and oh sweet curves at the right places. It wasn’t until today when I realized the friend was you. She was right- damn girl you’d make the Great Aphrodite herself go green. I noticed your milk white teeth. Your full chubby lips. I wonder what they taste like. Bet the same as your Gucci Guilty designer perfume. My name. My mind stopped when you called out my name. Sorry for the awkward face I made, I know it was gross. My eyes were fixed on your heart but your full breasts fell on my line of sight. It took me a full minute before I realized I was groping with my eyes. I thought it was a faint smile I saw register on your face. ‘GiB’. You spoke with a pause. It hit me before the scent of your perfume did. I apologize for the grunts I made thinking I was saying something nice. I think I said hi, nice to meet you, name’s GiB. I’m sure it wasn’t in that order. In my defense, you glowed like a goddess. Who wouldn’t stutter?
I apologize for my clumsy palms. I sweat a lot when I am nervous. I was nervous. Nervous is a kind word, I was scared the hell out of my wits. I felt so helpless inside. It was kind to see you smile back at me. I would walk the streets naked just to see you smile at me again. I’d give my left nut to hug you just one more time. I do not understand the things you do to my body but I wouldn’t wish for anything else in the world. I’m not an overly religious guy but I think I might pray tonight. I’ll wish on a star for you because all of a sudden you are my dream. So tomorrow if you wake up in a dark room full of red, don’t be scared. Because you’re in my heart.
Yours truly.

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The Night I First Knew I Loved You.

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The night I first knew I loved you was the kind of a fairytale bullshit that most people, including me would make fun of.

We were the stuff of Hollywood romances with cliché dialogues and a loud blasting music, Future playing from the stereo. Right there in the middle of nowhere, you asked me to dance.

And see the thing is, I had always been a hopeless romantic. As a kid, I would position myself outside in the backyard beneath the cobalt skies and stand atop overturned wood, singing songs about my heart, my blues, and my desire to love. And love, and love, and love, until my sister would finally come out and tell me it was time to come back inside.

I was always too busy shouting at the man in the moon. I wanted It Takes Two, I wanted Everything, Everything. The can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff.

But I never knew what I really wanted was you.

My adolescent heart crusted over for a minute. I was starting to get sick of feeling like I wanted love to kiss me in the face, but it never turned out quite like I thought. The mouths I met came equipped with a funny after taste. It wasn’t anything like I’d hoped. Until you.

And sure, you might not have been my first time. But Baby you were my first time. Alone on that empty street was the first time I opened up to someone completely. The first time I ever loved so fully. I came home in tears because it was the scariest thing I had ever felt. I told my sister, ’I’m in love with her’, and cried the more. Because love is terrifying. Love had me up all night thinking about the way you looked at me as I walked into your arms, and how I wanted to auction off all memories before knowing you just have us play on repeat.

I said take all my fuck-ups because I know you won’t judge me for them. Take my irrationality, my crying whenever I hurt you because I hated to make you feel bad, because I know you love me for it all.

You gave me a spot inside your ribcage so I could always know how it felt to finally be that close to another human being.

Maybe I’m still waiting there. Maybe that’s why it still hurts when you breathe out my name.

Tonight, I listened to Livin’ On a Prayer and finally understood what Bon Jovi meant.

Tonight, I gathered up all the pieces of our love that I still have plastered about my room put them back in our box, but left it out. I couldn’t bear to have it out of sight.

Today I saw Gal Gadot on the TV and cried.

You are my Wonder Woman. You are my glass of wine that I’m sipping from because they say we would only get better with time, with age. So I’m ducking into the club to give it a try.

Today I wore your checkered t-shirt that I sleep in most nights and couldn’t remember the night you gave them to me.

Tonight, I said, ‘I’ll be okay.’

And I almost believed it.

Darling, I almost believed it.

….no, it’s not about me…

The Painted Heart

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The further I walked moving away from the candles around the pool and the buttery light spilling from the villa, the darker it became, only flecks of starlight peppered the tarry sheet of sky above me. The high rasp of frogs in the trees replaced the chirp of crickets and the air began to lose its floral scent. Still, I carried on walking, the damp grass tickling my bare feet, drawn by a faint light in the distance. As I approached the light, I saw it was coming from the little wooden house I had explored with my cousin earlier in the week. I had wondered then what might be inside it, but it had been locked tight. I was not easily scared but for a moment my steps slowed as I wondered whether to turn back to the villa, now so far behind me that it was nothing more than a black shape in the distance. Suddenly I caught sight of a dim outline of a figure through the dusty glass of the building. Curious, I edged closer, freezing when I heard a low moan from inside. I was now just below the shed’s dirty window. Holding my breath, I slowly raised my head and peered inside. The glass was so filthy it was like looking through smoke. At first, I was unable to make out what or who was inside. But as I pushed my face closer I let out a gasp- at first in puzzlement and disbelief and then in horror, as I realized what was happening in front of me. Stumbling back, I fell and scraped my arm on a rock. I looked up at the window, then back to the villa. I knew I should leave- run back to my bed as fast as I could- but as if pulled by a force I could not control I looked through the window again, hoping against hope that what I had seen was just my imagination. But no: the vile image was still there. Shaking my head to rid it from my mind, tears streaming down my face, I turned and ran back to the villa, not yet aware what I had just seen would change my life forever.

Self-Kindness

 

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Why do we find it so hard to be kind to ourselves?

What is it we are afraid of?

We deprive ourselves when we make self-kindness the last thing on our agenda. And we deprive the ones we love of the best we have to offer them. Because how we love ourselves is how we love others.

 

What is self-kindness?

Self-kindness is looking in the mirror and finding something we like today rather than hacking ourselves apart.

Self-kindness is taking a break instead of pushing through stress, anxiety and overtime at the office.

Self kindness is allowing ourselves to feel what we feel.

Self-kindness is believing we are worthy of the best life has to offer us and then moving one step closer to it.

Through my childhood, I struggled immensely with self-kindness. Somewhere along the way I had bought into the lie, or many lies, that I wasn’t smart, talented, or really worth much at all.

Many of us buy into that lie. It doesn’t take much—bitter words on the playground, the teacher who puts us down instead of building us up, the parent who downloads their own negative beliefs. Whatever it is, we always find the bad stuff easier to believe.

Make time for self-kindness

Self-kindness isn’t (necessarily) about taking an afternoon trip to the spa. Self-kindness is as much about attitude as it is about time.

You may be a mom with a full-time job who doesn’t have a minute to herself in the day. But being kind when you look in the mirror will change the way you feel. Allowing yourself that chocolate cupcake at the end of the day without beating yourself up will change the way you feel.

We often take care of everyone else’s needs before our own, believing that to take care of ourselves is self-indulgent. But taking a moment to ask yourself, “What do I need today?” isn’t self-indulgent. It’s the first step towards abundant living.

Believe you are worthy

The biggest barrier we have to self-kindness is believing we are worthy of goodness in our lives. We pay more attention to reality shows on T.V. than we do to our own needs, because considering our true desires means facing everything that is wrong with our lives.

It’s so much easier to endure a stressful imbalanced life that offers the comfort of knowing what’s next, than it is to walk through uncertainty and challenges to reach a place where we are living as our authentic selves.

But on the other side of facing the discomfort is a bridge to self-kindness and change.

Respect yourself enough to take as much care of your own needs as you do your children’s. A child needs parents who are kind to themselves—(s)he will look to your lead in how to treat others, how you treat yourself and how you value your time.

Treat yourself as you would treat others

If a friend confided in you that she was having a tough time with a relationship would you tell her to get over herself?

Would you use critical, judgmental words?

Or would you try to empathize and encourage?

Hopefully you would do the latter, because you care about her. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend.

Have a wonderful week full of self-kindness, won’t you?

When you left

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When you left, I was broken and lost. I did not understand when they said you were not coming back. I did not know what they meant. They said you were in a better place now and I told them to send me with you but they wouldn’t. It was going to be a long journey, they said, and I was too young to go with you. I was ready but you didn’t wait. I was very mad at you, how could you?

Then they took me away to some place I had never been before. I heard them say that it would be better there but it didn’t feel any better. I still wanted you to come back. Everyday I would call your name and expect to see you. My sister said I was stupid and it didn’t work like that. But I wasn’t to give up that easily. It wasn’t easy without you.

It’s been long now. Now I perfectly understand how it works. I know I was being stupid. I’m old and turning 21 now. I write to you everyday. By the way, do you like poems? I always write poems about you. I’ll keep them till the day we will meet. I know you will love them.  I love them too!

Years after you left, I always found myself in trouble trying to understand life. I made a terrible mess and learned several lessons. Sometimes I wished you were here to see me through the mistakes I made. But don’t worry, I know that’s too much for you and it’s impossible to come back. I met someone who said will always be with me. He told me to bring all my troubles to Him to carry them for me. I did that and  He carried them for me as He had promised. I hope that you are with Him because He promised to take me to His home someday. You probably know Him, His name is Jesus. I always send Him greetings for you.

I also met a girl who stole my heart. I fell in love with her because she’s smart, intelligent and attractive. She is all that I need in my life and I tell her everyday. I’m sure you would like her too. I intend to keep her for life. She understands me and is always there for me so I don’t want to lose her. I hope that one day I’ll have a daughter and I’ll name her after you. Wouldn’t you like that?

Now I got to go. I have a lot to write you but I have some business to attend to. See you next time.

 

 

Listen

Listen

Just sit down and listen. Listen to what you hear. It costs nothing but a portion of your time to listen. Whether it is to yourself, your friend or anyone else, it means a lot to listen.

We live in a world so busy that we lack time for our own selves. We are so preoccupied that we fail to listen when we should. We have basically reduced to machines that work day in day out without having time to nurture our feelings and emotions. A lot of things happen each passing day and we lack time to process them at the instance because we are so preoccupied with our duties and responsibilities. At the end of the day, we are so tired that we ignore whatever happened the entire day. It becomes a regular habit and soon we feel so depressed and tired.

Humans have emotions and feelings, unlike the machines which work continuously and need no time to process what goes on within them. We need listen to the subtle signs that our bodies send us. Most of the times we ignore these signs and the system keeps piling them up to the point it can’t anymore. At the end it eats us up.

Take time to listen to yourself. What is it that is bothering you? Deal with it now. Do not procrastinate, tomorrow will not be a better day to deal with what affects you today. Pay attention to those around you. Let them talk. Speak less and listen more. There is a common African proverb that says that God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we can listen more than we speak.

Sometimes you need to just listen and not focus on fixing the problems. It means a lot to someone when you listen to them. Just be there for them, and let then take you through their problem. Don’t necessarily focus on solving their problem.

Do not just hear but listen!

It’s okay to be different!

It’s okay to be different!

 

__Fabo__s_Parrot___by_WitcherIt’s okay to be different. Have you ever wondered why you are so different from the rest? Have you ever felt so out of this world and that no one would ever understand you however much you want them to? Well, worry no more because common sense dictates that it’s okay to be different from the rest.

Our lives are scripts rolled out by the most high. And just like all scripts, the chapters and scenes are different. Think of life as a big huge book. Collectively, we are all different books. Often, we hear advice along the line of not comparing our lives to other people’s. Well, that’s not only true but factual. You cannot keep comparing the chapter you are right now in your book to another one who just completed his. It never works like that.

It’s okay to struggle. Show me a successful person and I will show you the scars from his struggles. You can never achieve anything for free. Free things are not valuable and valuable things are not free. It works like that.

So, you know, maybe this was the message you needed to hear today. Never let your struggles blind you from your goals! Never compare yourself to someone else. You are a unique copy of you.

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